Marriage; Why The Rush???

by Mbiata Inyang

Meet Chris (23) and Cynthia (22). Chris and Cynthia have been dating for 5 months now, they’re so in love with each other and they’re such a perfect match. One day he says to her, “In five years were going to upgrade our relationship status”. Her reply is quite unexpected, “five years? That’s too long o…..you know I’m a girl…” A lot of guys can relate to the scenario above.

These are two individuals who are great together, they’ve probably talked about this before now but for some reason the lady feels she can no longer afford to wait that long for the guy (BTW she'll be 27 in 5 years). Which begs the question, “why the rush?”

Our society has damaged our mindset about marriage, what it really is and what it isn’t. People no longer marry because of love or friendship, but rather for convenience. This has played a major role in the increase in cases of infidelity in marriages and outside marriages today. How? Let’s analyze that scenario.

Chris is heartbroken and disappointed by what Cynthia said. Subconsciously he feels he’s just an option, a means to an end. He now believes the love, chemistry and bond they share is not enough to make her stay. At that point he has given up. He starts acting like he’s single again, he starts meeting other ladies without feeling guilty because he feels being faithful to Cynthia isn’t worth it after all. Here is a guy who loved and respected her so much that he refused to have any form of sexual relations with her until after marriage, but now, he just wants to have “his share” of her body. He’s thinking, “After all I won’t even be the one to marry her again so let me just have her body now and go my way”.

For Cynthia, probably she’s had a conversation with a friend or a family member or she’s met another guy who she thinks is ready for marriage (convenience, financial security…) either ways something has triggered that feeling in her. She starts to feel insecure, starts to nurture the thought and starts to make up excuses to leave the “love of her life” for the other guy. Pressure from around and within start to build up and she finally decides. She thinks “after all he’s not ready, yeah I love him but love isn’t going to feed me. I’ll just marry this other guy even if don’t know him much or love him, it’ll grow with time”. MISTAKE. 

She goes ahead with the marriage, not minding how Chris feels. Few months into the marriage, after all the celebration, the euphoria of being newly married and the illusion of comfort have faded, she comes to the harsh reality. She can’t have a good conversation with her ready-made husband, he’s a heavy drinker, too bossy and even beats her up, he’s dirty, and doesn’t listen to or give her adequate attention. He gives her a big house and enough money but she’s too heartbroken and lonely to even enjoy it. She can’t run to those people who advised her into it because she’s ashamed and she can’t just get up to leave because she is not sure where she’s going to start from. So she hopes and wishes that one day it’s going to change. 

One day she stumbles upon Chris on facebook, he’s in UK and doing great, he has a great job and he’s still single. She starts to miss him and regrets what she did. She silently wishes she had waited just a bit more but she resists the temptation of saying hello to him. A couple months pass and she notices he’s back to the country, probably from his pictures. She says hi and he responds, so excited to hear from her but hasn’t forgotten what she did to him. Eventually they meet up, she still loves him and he still loves her but they can’t be with each other legally, so they start an affair which soon becomes that of sexual intimacy. She justifies herself by thinking about how inadequate her ready-made husband is, and to Chris, he’s just being natural. This continues for a while…..

Now we can see how that mistake she made years back, her greed and impatience has ruined her life. She has committed adultery. She has been untrue to her husband. She is now so bitter and unhappy with her life but she can’t leave. She will keep making more mistakes for as long as her husband is not what she hoped for and for as long as she sees how great Chris’s life is. And when he eventually gets married she’s going to wish it were her.

The above is very true and a lot of married persons can relate to this. So why the rush???

The day our young ladies start marrying for love and or friendship, that’s the day infidelity and unhappy marriages will end. I understand everybody wants a secure future but that young graduate you’re in love with today has a bright future. All he needs is your support and encouragement, he will make it eventually. If money is your problem, get a job yourself and add to the little he’s making and eventually everything will work out fine.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment, you cannot afford to go into it for the wrong reasons. That rich guy you’re rushing to marry today might get broke tomorrow, except he owns a money minting machine, which he obviously doesn’t own. That good looking guy you’re rushing to marry instead of the guy you love, might have an accident tomorrow that will disfigure him. What happens after that? The feelings you attached to those material things will vanish too. You live the remaining part of your marriage being miserable and having regrets. If you had just waited for that young boy with big dreams right? Too late. So why the hurry?

There is no need to rush into marriage. Don’t let your parents or peers or your greed push you into such a mistake, they won’t be there to share the pains with you. Marry your lover, marry your friend because eventually marriage is going to get monotonous and boring but love and friendship is going to keep it going till the fire rekindles. Marriage is for a life time so don’t ever pick convenience over love. It is better to be happy and have all you need than to be unhappy yet have all you want.

Marriage is not an achievement. It should never be your only goal in life. If you ask most undergraduate girls today what they want to do with their life after they graduate from the university, 90% will tell you “Oh, I’ll get married of course”. Why the rush? There’s more to life than marriage. Find yourself, build a career, and be of help to the society and the world at large. Don’t marry as a means to an end. Get a job, earn some money and be satisfied with yourself. By doing that you can’t make this mistake, you cannot marry for money or for any other wrong reasons. That way you can fall in love the right way and you will make the right choice for marriage.

Marriage is for companionship and procreation. Marriage is not a financial contract or an escape plan from all your financial woes, neither is it a Master-Slave relationship, where the husband is the 40 year old master and the wife is the 20 year old slave. Think about it ladies. I hope you borrow my perspective. Cheers.