Marriage; Why The Rush???

by Mbiata Inyang

Meet Chris (23) and Cynthia (22). Chris and Cynthia have been dating for 5 months now, they’re so in love with each other and they’re such a perfect match. One day he says to her, “In five years were going to upgrade our relationship status”. Her reply is quite unexpected, “five years? That’s too long o…..you know I’m a girl…” A lot of guys can relate to the scenario above.

These are two individuals who are great together, they’ve probably talked about this before now but for some reason the lady feels she can no longer afford to wait that long for the guy (BTW she'll be 27 in 5 years). Which begs the question, “why the rush?”

Our society has damaged our mindset about marriage, what it really is and what it isn’t. People no longer marry because of love or friendship, but rather for convenience. This has played a major role in the increase in cases of infidelity in marriages and outside marriages today. How? Let’s analyze that scenario.

Chris is heartbroken and disappointed by what Cynthia said. Subconsciously he feels he’s just an option, a means to an end. He now believes the love, chemistry and bond they share is not enough to make her stay. At that point he has given up. He starts acting like he’s single again, he starts meeting other ladies without feeling guilty because he feels being faithful to Cynthia isn’t worth it after all. Here is a guy who loved and respected her so much that he refused to have any form of sexual relations with her until after marriage, but now, he just wants to have “his share” of her body. He’s thinking, “After all I won’t even be the one to marry her again so let me just have her body now and go my way”.

For Cynthia, probably she’s had a conversation with a friend or a family member or she’s met another guy who she thinks is ready for marriage (convenience, financial security…) either ways something has triggered that feeling in her. She starts to feel insecure, starts to nurture the thought and starts to make up excuses to leave the “love of her life” for the other guy. Pressure from around and within start to build up and she finally decides. She thinks “after all he’s not ready, yeah I love him but love isn’t going to feed me. I’ll just marry this other guy even if don’t know him much or love him, it’ll grow with time”. MISTAKE. 

She goes ahead with the marriage, not minding how Chris feels. Few months into the marriage, after all the celebration, the euphoria of being newly married and the illusion of comfort have faded, she comes to the harsh reality. She can’t have a good conversation with her ready-made husband, he’s a heavy drinker, too bossy and even beats her up, he’s dirty, and doesn’t listen to or give her adequate attention. He gives her a big house and enough money but she’s too heartbroken and lonely to even enjoy it. She can’t run to those people who advised her into it because she’s ashamed and she can’t just get up to leave because she is not sure where she’s going to start from. So she hopes and wishes that one day it’s going to change. 

One day she stumbles upon Chris on facebook, he’s in UK and doing great, he has a great job and he’s still single. She starts to miss him and regrets what she did. She silently wishes she had waited just a bit more but she resists the temptation of saying hello to him. A couple months pass and she notices he’s back to the country, probably from his pictures. She says hi and he responds, so excited to hear from her but hasn’t forgotten what she did to him. Eventually they meet up, she still loves him and he still loves her but they can’t be with each other legally, so they start an affair which soon becomes that of sexual intimacy. She justifies herself by thinking about how inadequate her ready-made husband is, and to Chris, he’s just being natural. This continues for a while…..

Now we can see how that mistake she made years back, her greed and impatience has ruined her life. She has committed adultery. She has been untrue to her husband. She is now so bitter and unhappy with her life but she can’t leave. She will keep making more mistakes for as long as her husband is not what she hoped for and for as long as she sees how great Chris’s life is. And when he eventually gets married she’s going to wish it were her.

The above is very true and a lot of married persons can relate to this. So why the rush???

The day our young ladies start marrying for love and or friendship, that’s the day infidelity and unhappy marriages will end. I understand everybody wants a secure future but that young graduate you’re in love with today has a bright future. All he needs is your support and encouragement, he will make it eventually. If money is your problem, get a job yourself and add to the little he’s making and eventually everything will work out fine.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment, you cannot afford to go into it for the wrong reasons. That rich guy you’re rushing to marry today might get broke tomorrow, except he owns a money minting machine, which he obviously doesn’t own. That good looking guy you’re rushing to marry instead of the guy you love, might have an accident tomorrow that will disfigure him. What happens after that? The feelings you attached to those material things will vanish too. You live the remaining part of your marriage being miserable and having regrets. If you had just waited for that young boy with big dreams right? Too late. So why the hurry?

There is no need to rush into marriage. Don’t let your parents or peers or your greed push you into such a mistake, they won’t be there to share the pains with you. Marry your lover, marry your friend because eventually marriage is going to get monotonous and boring but love and friendship is going to keep it going till the fire rekindles. Marriage is for a life time so don’t ever pick convenience over love. It is better to be happy and have all you need than to be unhappy yet have all you want.

Marriage is not an achievement. It should never be your only goal in life. If you ask most undergraduate girls today what they want to do with their life after they graduate from the university, 90% will tell you “Oh, I’ll get married of course”. Why the rush? There’s more to life than marriage. Find yourself, build a career, and be of help to the society and the world at large. Don’t marry as a means to an end. Get a job, earn some money and be satisfied with yourself. By doing that you can’t make this mistake, you cannot marry for money or for any other wrong reasons. That way you can fall in love the right way and you will make the right choice for marriage.

Marriage is for companionship and procreation. Marriage is not a financial contract or an escape plan from all your financial woes, neither is it a Master-Slave relationship, where the husband is the 40 year old master and the wife is the 20 year old slave. Think about it ladies. I hope you borrow my perspective. Cheers.

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I can't believe this!!!

Waking up and stretching this morning, I set foot on a furry, fluffy and really comfy carpet. Where am I?  I am perplexed by the changes I see in my room. It just occurs to me that I feel no pains at all on any part of my body. My wrists don't hurt, neither does my back nor neck. Turning to look at the bed, I see a big and very well padded mattress, with beautiful covers and many pillows. I feel like I'm in a hotel.

"Who changed everything and even took the pain of lifting me from my former small and really flat mattress on to this new one?" I wonder. But think of it, who doesn't love a good surprise???

I spring out of bed and run around, jumping like a toddler who had just been fed a lot of sugar and given a new set of toys, still taking in the new scenario and feeling so grateful that a miracle has come my way. I even dance to some tunes in my head, which make no sense. My curtains are the most beautiful shade of turquoise blue and white, with a flowery pattern on it. It's so dreamy.

Oh my God!!! My dreams came true this morning and I still don't know how. I call my friends immediately, trying to find out who gave me a late birthday present [my birthday was 11th July, remember?] Mehn...they all sound shocked and keep going "Oh! I'm so happy for you," I wonder if they'd met and rehearsed what reply to give to me at the beep of their phones. Hmmmmm! What is going on? My friends didn't do this? Who did?

It seems I won't get an answer to my questions so, I will just pretend nothing has changed in my life and joyfully adapt to this new habitat of mine. Strolling to the wardrobe to unhang my favourite dress, I can't find it. I cry like I have been robbed overnight such that, I don't notice that this wardrobe isn't even familiar to me, but new. What!!!! What is going on? Uyaiabasi!!! Oluwakemi!!! Inyene!!! Francis!!! Onyinye!!! Vine!!! Bomley!!! Romanus!!! Where una dey oooo? I can't even remember the names of my friends because I'm flabbergasted.

Yes, miracles do happen but do they really happen overnight? And what's the criteria? Nora, my friend, who I didn't even call to inform of this has come knocking on my door. "Open the door, jor! Who even owns this car outside? Do you have a visitor?" What! A car? I can't believe it. Stepping outside, there's a 2015 Ford Mustang. The plate number is even customized? My nickname, Twiggy?  Wow!!! It keeps getting better.

I have my bath while Nora looks around amazed and says the same "I'm happy for you" I've heard all morning. I get a dress from the wardrobe and trust me, it is nothing like the former, including the favourite I couldn't find. The labels in this wardrobe beat the former 100 times over. "Who said money couldn't solve everything? He hasn't been here," I muse.

Just as I enter the car with Nora, hopeful that we could take a ride to see a movie together and try to celebrate my new found status of 'rich', I hear a scream "Mmedara" and I recognise the voice as my Aunt's. "Yes, Auntie," I reply and realise I'm sitting, not even on the bed, but on the floor of the room I share with a relative, with the plate I had used to soak garri and eat before me. I'm mad at my self for answering my Auntie, for then, I would've continued in my beautiful surprise in my imaginations. I can't believe this!!!

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Maybe! Just maybe!!!

I stumbled on a short write-up by a young friend of mine, Marvel Ubongabasi, which I tweaked a tad and it inspired today's reflection. It's a new month, by the way and a very good time to search yourself and make amends, where required.

A lot of Maybes.

...if I had smaller eyes...

...if I wore those kind of clothes...

...if I had a weave this way...

...if I were really thin...

...if I smiled sparingly...

...if I walked this way...

...if I danced like Tiwa Savage or Seyi Shay...

...if I sounded like...

...if only my legs were straight

...if I were in this group...

Maybe I'd fit in, be showered with so much love, be more appealing and popular, roll with the coolest fellas, receive all the attention I crave and just be a whole lot of things I'm not.

Meanwhile...

...if I proudly showcased my eyes...

...if I wore clothes I was comfortable in...

...if my hair maintained its tangled form...

...if I stayed thick and curvy...

...if I grinned widely like I love to...

...if I took my branded almost staggered steps..

...if I moved my body as I please...

...if I sounded like me after all...

...if I realised my legs were awesome...

...if I appreciated the group I belonged to...

...if I liked every bit of me madly...

Maybe, I'd just fit me. Maybe, they'd recognise my unique form and become inspired. Maybe, they'd even want to be my friends. Maybe....I'd love being just me!

Have you been in this 'maybe' situation? Are you there right now? I have been there severally and some days, I still find myself there. Only, I see it differently now. Those things you wish you had done which could've made things different, may not make any difference because every other person is on that lane. How about you create your own lane and watch other people follow?

At first, people would wonder what statement you're trying to make. However, some would start to follow; try to understand how you do it and soon enough, you'd find a throng of people on your lane. I mean that same lane you didn't welcome at first, because you wanted to be on an already existing one.

Yes! That's you being unique and getting others to see the real you, while encouraging them to also be themselves and ignore the bandwagon. I'm on it! Join me on the train of being you and loving every bit of it. Maybe! Just maybe! You'd love what you find as you begin to like every bit of your unique self.

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